Being alone, I have no problem with. But, being lonely is a different feeling all together. I can be alone and be happy. In fact, there are many days I prefer being alone to being with others. I am in introvert and need my alone time. However, feeling lonely is something I don’t do well with. It brings me to dark places and all I want to do is sleep.
After feeling lonely all too often, I decided to get a second job to fill my lonely days…and it’s the best thing I’ve done for myself in a long time. My real job isn’t the most exciting and most days I work alone in my home office. My new 2nd job, aka as my “fun job” has been a blessing for me. I got a part time job at a local winery and work a couple days each month. It is such a great escape from my life. I get to meet all sorts of new people and visit about wine, trips, family, etc. It truly has given me something to look forward to when I know I’m going to be alone.
So while I crave to be around others at times, those times are usually short lived. I truly do need and am happy having my alone time. But when the lonliness kicks in, it’s necessary to force myself to do something to busy myself and keep my mind of being lonely.
It’s been a long time since I’ve posted. I’ve come a long ways this past year. I feel that I have gotten stronger. When I look back, I know that I have gotten stronger. I am learning to reach out to others, making new friends, trying new things.
My life is good. It’s not bad. I get lonely, but I’m not alone. I have so many good people around me and I’m learning to not let the other people get to me or bring me down. That’s the hardest thing for me.
I know what I want my life to look like, the kind of person I want to share it with, the things I want to do as a family. Not a day goes by that I don’t compare my day/my life to others around me. I’m human. I get jealous of others that appear to have the “perfect life” on the outside. The ones that post the Facebook HiLights and do their best to hide their Lowlights. I was the same way and perhaps I sometimes still get sucked into doing that so everyone thinks I have it all together. I’m doing my best to not get hung up on it. I pray that someday I will get to live my dreams with someone. But for now, my girls are what matters. I hope they see the strong side of me and not just my weak side. I pray they learn so much from my mistakes, get stronger by watching me survive each day, gain independence by watching me be independent. And that their faith stays strong and keeps growing and that they always believe that He will take care of all things for us so we don’t have to worry.
Today is January 1, 2014. It is a new chapter. Not just a new year, but also the official close to my marraige. My divorce became final 12/30/2013. It was bittersweet when I found out. So glad the part of my life is behind me, but also so scarey not knowing my future. I’ve accepted the fact that I’m alone and I’m ok with that. I know that I’m truly never alone. I have my girls, my family, my friends, and Jesus Christ. He has kept me strong and has given me faith, courage, and strength and has shown me that He is in control of my life. I know He has plans for me, I don’t know what they are right now, but I know if I stay with Him, he’ll watch over me and show me wonderful things.
The last couple of weeks were difficult getting through the holidays, but I survived. Stronger than ever. There were times when I didn’t think i could take anymore and just wanted to sleep through it all, but I did survive each day. I’m scared to death of the future, of dating, of failing again. But He reminds me to put my faith in Him and I’ll be ok.
I saw a quote about starting dating again and it was something like “I’m scared to date because it will end in 1 of 2 ways…either break up or marraige.” I don’t want to deal with either of those experiences right now, so I will not be dating until I feel I am strong enough to deal with it. This next chapter is about me. About finding myself, being stronger than ever, being the best everything that I can be. So, Cheers to a new year, a new chapter, a new life.
It’s been awhile since I posted, but when I started this blog, it was to reflect on all my firsts being single. This last holiday weekend was a big first…It was the first Anniversary of when I left my husband. Last year on Thanksgiving Eve, is the night that I left the house with my girls suddenly after we got home from spending the day with relatives. I have dreaded this years Thanksgiving Holiday/weekend all year because I knew the memories that would come flooding back.
This was also my first Holiday that I didn’t have the girls with me. They were with their dad. It was one of the hardest days I’ve encountered so far. I started the day running the Turkey Leg 5K… last year we participated in that event as a family and also had our last family picture taken at the run. As I was running this year, I thought back to that last family outing and how much our lives have changed since then.
I spent the day with my parents and other relatives. Was a good day, but on the verge of tears all day long. The good thing was that I was going to get my girls later that afternoon. He was being so kind lately and offered to let me have the girls at 4:00 and overnight. I couldn’t wait to go home with them and have the quiet Thanksgiving evening that we missed out on last year. But that never happened. At 4:00, my youngest daughter called me wondering if she could stay with him…she was playing with cousins and also wanted to go shopping that evening. As much as I wanted to say “no, I need you to come home and be with me”, I couldn’t do that. I told her if it was ok with her dad, I was ok with it. A few minutes later, I received a nasty text from him saying, “What, now its Thanksgiving and you don’t want the girls????”. I was in tears. I called him and explained that’s not the case. That I wanted them more than anything, but I couldn’t make them come home to be with me. It hurt so bad. I couldn’t believe how much it hurt. I went home & cried and cried and cried. I hadn’t felt so alone in a long time. I put a movie on, and went to bed early. The next day, I woke up feeling stronger than ever. I had survived!
Friday the day was spent alone… went for a run, put up Christmas lights, cleaned house, and took naps. Was alone, but I was ok being alone. I needed it. I was so emotionally exhausted from the day before. Saturday, was a little more of the same. And then Sunday…I got to pick my girls up at church and spend the day with them.
I’m hoping each holiday gets easier, especially the Thanksgiving Holiday/Weekend. It has always been my favorite Holiday and I hope it will be again someday. But with each day that I struggle, I wake up the next day feeling stronger than I did before. As hard as some days are, I know I’m in a better place than I was a year ago and I see that my girls are in a better place also. I am also confidant that there are even better days ahead.
This Saturday marked another first…it was my wedding anniversary on Saturday, Sept 28. It was a day filled with lots of different emotions. I had anticipated it would be and really wanted to fill my weekend with fun things to help me from dwelling on it…but everything kind of fell through. I spent most of the weekend alone and it was a depressing couple of days. Not so much sad about being divorced, but more just reflecting on the last 17+ years, the lost dreams, the sacrifices I’ve made in the past, the lost years, the unhappy years, and even the happy ones. It’s hard to explain the different emotions. But, I did make it through and I think I’m stronger because of it. I know God doesn’t give us more than we can handle and that everything happens for a reason, but some days, I just wonder how much I’m going to have to take and when he will reveal his even greater plans for me. The hope that someday I can live out some of the dreams I have helps me get through each day.
Summer was tough. I was releived when Labor Day came, which marks the end of Summer. The end of another season. Normally my favorite season, still is, but this one was hard. So many firsts to get through alone…weekends with no kids/no plans, 4th of July, my birthday, Summer lake days/boating, no summer vacations/camping trips. But, I am happy to say, I did survive it all and glad to have those firsts behind me. Hoping by the time next summer roles around, I can actually look forward to some of those events again and have new and old friends to enjoy them with.
With summer behind us, today marks the start of a new school year, a new season. Fall. Next to summer, fall is my favorite sesason in MN. Love the Indian Days of summer…warm days, cool nights. Sweater weather, bon fires, movie nights. But along with the start of school & fall, I realize there are still more firsts to get through. Again, I’m 99% positive I’ll survive them all. So far, I’ve got a pretty good record of surviving. The key is going to be to take it one day at a time and not look so far ahead and wish time away. That is so much easier said then done, when you are a planner/control freak like I tend to be. I like to have things lined up, know what to expect ahead of time. However, I’m learning that isn’t always best. So, this fall, I will focus on taking one day at a time, living for the day, and enjoying this new season and all the new experiences that it brings me.