Monthly Archives: April 2013

Doing things for me

I am now blogging for myself. My class is done, however, I have enjoyed the blogging experience so much, I”m going to try to keep it up.

This weekend was a busy one! Faith had a BB Tourney all day Saturday in Hinckley (2.5 hrs away). The girls, my mom, and I went Friday night and stayed in a hotel. It was a nice time. Saturday’s first game was at 10:20. They played their last game at 6:00. It was a long day, but it went really pretty fast.
Sunday, I know I needed to get a long run in to prepare for my 1/2 marathon next Sunday. I was fortunate enough to find a good friend to go along with me. That helped so much, but I still struggeled with the run. Not so much in my muscles, but in my head. Running is such a mental sport and if you aren’t in the right mindset, it takes some of the enjoyment away. But, I was able to get in close to 12.5 miles and I feel so much better having done that. I used to love to run by myself, but I’m finding that for longer distances, it sure helps to have someone there with you, pushing you along the way.

Now that we finally have nice weather, I decided I wanted to take a shot at grlling tonight. I had a friend show me how to start the grill and it seemed pretty easy. I’m happy to report, that I grilled my first meal tonight and even timed the sides to be done at the same time as the meat. I was pretty proud of myself. But, the happiness was short lived…my girls were less than thrilled about eating a griled supper tonight and their lack of excitement quickly dampened my mood. But, they did feel bad for it and hung out long enough to help me clean up the kitchen. It was a good reminder that just becaue something is a big deal to me, to someone else, it’s nothing at all. I need to celebrate my accomplishments for me and not worry about others. We all have our accomplishments and they are all important, just different to each person. If you are going to do something, be sure to do it for you and not for anybody else.

One Step at a Time

Last night I wrote my last two college papers! What a relief it is. I am 39 years old and finally getting my 4 year college degree. My college career has been a long spread out one. I went two years after highschool. Then, didn’t really know what I wanted to do or and didn’t want to move away, so I attended 1 more year at the Technical College. I was fortunate to always find good jobs that I liked and that also encouraged me to grow and learn new skills. A few years after working, I decided to go back to college and start working towards my 4 year degree. I worked full time and took evening classes 2 nights a week. I did that for a couple of years. Then my husband and I decied to start a family, so I took another break from school. About 3 years ago, my boss encouraged me to go back to school and finish. He had done it many years ago and said it was so worth it. So, I did. I enrolled in online courses. I started out with just 1 each semeser to keep it manageable since I was still working full time and raising 2 kids and trying to maintain somewhat of a normal social life as well. The last year and a half, I decided to step it up and take 2 classes. I could finally see the end and I wanted to get there. In all honesty, the last year was hell! I had to take algebra and stats. Those classes took up so much of my time, butI managed to get A’s in both of them. I didn’t feel like I had much of a summer last year, but it’s so worth it now. I was also going though a very rough time in my marraige during that year. I was very unhappy. In a way, I feel like my college classes gave me something to focus on. They gave me my drive to succeed at something. This last semester has been so much better. I’m guessing it’s a combination of better classes and a more peaceful home life. My girls are so excied to have their mom back for the summer..it melts my heart to hear them say that. And I can’t help but think what an impression I’m making on them. Showing them that it’s never to late to do new things. Always reach for your goals and dreams. They may seem so far off at the beinning, but if you take it one step at a time, you’ll eventually get to the top!

Disappointment

I had a wondeful vacation in MX. Met so many new people and enjoyed 5 days of R&R in the sun, laying by the pool, and escaing real life just for a bit. With that said, I couldn’t wait to go home either. Even though it snowed….again, I was so ready to get back to my home, my girls, my routine. I flew in late Friday evening. The first thing I did when I landed in MN was call my girls. I couldn’t wait to talk to them. The plan was that I would pick them up Saturday after lunch and spend the day/evening with them. They were as excited as I was. However, whenI talked to my STBX, he infomred me that he changed his mind about Saturday and that I wouldn’t be able to see them until Sunday. I was so disappointed. It had been 7 days since I last saw them and missed them like crazy. But, there was little I could do about it. It was technically his weekend. So, I just said ok and thanks for all your help this past week and hung up and then cried. I can’t remember the last time I was so disappointed in someone as I was at that moment.
I’m the type of person that likes to give people the benefit of the doubt. I like to see the good in everyone until they prove me wrong. At that moment, my STBX once again, proved me wrong. I thought he was big enough to put the girls first. But at that moment, I realized that it was more about punishing me and showing me that he stil had power over me to hurt me.
Going through a Divorce sucks. I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Going through a divorce with kids is even worse. You would think/hope both parents are big enough to put their selfishness aside and focus on the kids, but I’m finding out that some people have so much anger, hurt, and resentment towards each other that it’s hard to see what is right and wrong. Their only focus is how bad can they hurt the other person.
Am I saying I’m perfect and without fault? Not at all. But, I can honestly say I would put my kids’ needs before my own angry/selfish needs.

Escape from Reality

Today is another beautiful day in MX! Loving the sunshine, fresh air and ocean breeze. This is such a wonderful vacation for me and so needed. I’m meeting so many people, trying new things, taking chances, and feeling what it feels like to “live” again.
So much of my time is spent thinking…thinking what my previous traveling experiences were like,thinking about how I would love to share some of these experiences with someone, but also thinking about how great it is to do this for me. I’m seeing that just because I’m single, doesn’t mean I have to miss out on things.
Today the group took out a Catamaran and went snorkeling. Tonight we will go out for dinner and then out to the bars again. Tomorrow is the wedding and then Thursday nothing planned at all. As much fun as I’m having, I know that by Friday I will be ready to go home and see my girls.

Vacation

I am writing this post from Playa Del Carmen, MX…I went on my first vacaton as a “single” person. My girlfriend invited me to MX with her for her brothers wedding. It was my first time flying alone. It was quite an experience. I got dropped off at Terminal 1, but had to get to Terminal 2 to catch my flight. So, I found the tram station, got to the light rail stop, went to Terminal 2 and got through securty and found my gate. It was quite liberating to do it on my own. As I sat at the light rail station at 4:00 a.m. waiting for the train, you wouldn’t believe the thoughts that went through my mind: what if i take the wrong train, what if it never comes, what if I miss my flight, what if I get kidnapped, etc.
But, all went great and I am enjoying my vacation so much! It was what I needed. I’m with a great group of people… some married, some single. It’s a group of about 30 and they are all super. We’ve got alot of group things planned, but also time to do what ever we want to do on our own.

I’m realizing that while I’m giving up so much of what I’m used to, what I’m comfortable with, I’m also gaining so many new experiences and I’m loving most of them!

Healing

This entry is going to be very personal for me. I’ve been writing about my firsts since separating from my husband. Let me say a few things before getting into this entry. I grew up in a very “normal” family. My parents have been married for 40+ years, I am very active in my church, we were respectable people and had a good life. My husband and I both had good jobs, we provided well for our two daughters and did a lot of fun stuff together. We were living the “dream”. Was our marriage perfect? Not at all, but I knew that marriage is tough and not without problems. Every marriage has issues, but hopefully the good outweighs the bad. I accepted the good and the bad of marriage and tried to make the best of the good and forget the bad. Sometimes, that just isn’t enough.

Friday night I am attending the 7th Annual Hope for Tomorrow Gala, which benefits our local Women’s Shelter. I’ve gone to this event two other times. The first time I went was about 4 years ago. A girlfriend and I went together. It was a very enjoyable evening and very touching. I couldn’t believe the stories of abuse that I heard, especially hearing that something like that happens in and around our community. The statistics were unbelievable.

Last year, some friends invited my husband and I to the Gala and I couldn’t wait. We planned it months ahead of time. I went dress shopping and was so excited for a fun evening with other couples and the chance to dress up. The gala was held on Friday, April 13, 2012.

That excitement died a week before the event.

When it was time to actually attend the Gala, I was one of those “unbelievable statistics” that I had heard about a few years ago. The previous Friday, April 6, 2012, my husband physically abused me. I can’t even describe the emotions that I felt while sitting there listening to the stories. I did my best to pretend that everything was great, normal, ok, etc. I had bruises on the inside of my arm and my upper thigh but I held them close to my body to hide them from the unknowing eyes. It was very hard for me to sit through the event without getting tears in my eyes. I never imagined in a million years that I would be “one of those women”, but I was. I felt embarrassed and ashamed.

Six months later, I was physically abused again. That’s when I said I was done. I would no longer be a victim and I left. My STBX really never admitted that what he did was wrong. He had excuses…he had a hard day, his mom was very sick, he didn’t feel loved, etc. To this day, he still makes excuses for his behavior and calls it “a little bit of pushing and shoving”. It makes me so angry to hear him deny it. But, he has to live with those feelings of shame and denial.

So, this Friday night, as I attend the gala, I know the emotions will come stronger than ever. I debated very hard about if I should or shouldn’t attend this years event. I am leaving for Vacation early Sunday morning and it would have been a good excuse not to go. However, a friend reminded me that it’s for a cause that I feel very strongly about and encouraged me to attend, as hard as it may be. Another friend offered to attend the gala with me as my “date”. Knowing that I will be surrounded by a table full of friends that know about my struggle this past year makes it easier to attend. I know that their love & support will hold me up when I don’t feel strong enough to hold myself up.

I pray that my story will someday give another woman in the same situation the courage to stand up for herself and leave an abusive situation. As hard as it is, I have no regrets in making the decision to leave. I did it not only for my safety, but to show my daughters that they should never accept that kind of behavior from anyone and that they deserve so much more.

Reflections

fire 2
fire This past weekend, it finally warmed up a little! Enough to get outside and do some spring cleaning in the yard. I still had my Christmas tree that I needed to get rid of. I decided to burn it and have a “little” bon fire (top photo). Once the branches were done burning, I moved the trunk to my fire pit and started my first real bon fire (bottom pic). It felt good to sit and enjoy the heat. I love bon fires. While I sat and watched it burn, I reflected on the last few months of my life… I remember the day the girls and I went to get the Christmas tree. I couldn’t care less about putting up a tree this past Christmas, but did it for them. They were so happy. And, I was so proud that I could do that for them all by myself. I remember the feeling I got when I carried the tree inside the house and got it set up. It was another one of those firsts, that as painful as it was, it felt so good. I also remmeber taking the tree down. I wasn’t quite sure how I was going to do that, but again….I succeeded. I got it out to the deck, out of the stand, and tossed it over the side of the deck. Again, It made me feel strong. Not physically, but emotionally. Each day has it’s ups and downs. I have to beleive that as each day passes, the downs will become fewer and fewer and the ups will become more and more. For now, I really try to concentrate on one day at a time and thank God for all that he has blessed me with that day.
I’m looking forward to several more bon fires!