Remembering How Far I’ve Come

It’s been awhile since I posted, but when I started this blog, it was to reflect on all my firsts being single. This last holiday weekend was a big first…It was the first Anniversary of when I left my husband. Last year on Thanksgiving Eve, is the night that I left the house with my girls suddenly after we got home from spending the day with relatives. I have dreaded this years Thanksgiving Holiday/weekend all year because I knew the memories that would come flooding back.

This was also my first Holiday that I didn’t have the girls with me. They were with their dad. It was one of the hardest days I’ve encountered so far. I started the day running the Turkey Leg 5K… last year we participated in that event as a family and also had our last family picture taken at the run. As I was running this year, I thought back to that last family outing and how much our lives have changed since then.

I spent the day with my parents and other relatives. Was a good day, but on the verge of tears all day long. The good thing was that I was going to get my girls later that afternoon. He was being so kind lately and offered to let me have the girls at 4:00 and overnight. I couldn’t wait to go home with them and have the quiet Thanksgiving evening that we missed out on last year. But that never happened. At 4:00, my youngest daughter called me wondering if she could stay with him…she was playing with cousins and also wanted to go shopping that evening. As much as I wanted to say “no, I need you to come home and be with me”, I couldn’t do that. I told her if it was ok with her dad, I was ok with it. A few minutes later, I received a nasty text from him saying, “What, now its Thanksgiving and you don’t want the girls????”. I was in tears. I called him and explained that’s not the case. That I wanted them more than anything, but I couldn’t make them come home to be with me. It hurt so bad. I couldn’t believe how much it hurt. I went home & cried and cried and cried. I hadn’t felt so alone in a long time. I put a movie on, and went to bed early. The next day, I woke up feeling stronger than ever. I had survived!

Friday the day was spent alone… went for a run, put up Christmas lights, cleaned house, and took naps. Was alone, but I was ok being alone. I needed it. I was so emotionally exhausted from the day before. Saturday, was a little more of the same. And then Sunday…I got to pick my girls up at church and spend the day with them.

I’m hoping each holiday gets easier, especially the Thanksgiving Holiday/Weekend. It has always been my favorite Holiday and I hope it will be again someday. But with each day that I struggle, I wake up the next day feeling stronger than I did before. As hard as some days are, I know I’m in a better place than I was a year ago and I see that my girls are in a better place also. I am also confidant that there are even better days ahead.
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